June 2013
3 posts
I don’t know what drugs to take to successfully alter the state
that my mind has been in as of late, something is eating away at my brain
There’s an elephant in the back of the room and it’s standing in plain view
Everyone can see, that it looks just like me
I’m roaming through the hills all alone,
I’m trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I’ll follow the stars until the first light
I will not call this road home, though it is all I know
So I’m pretty proud of myself. Scott took me to hospital on tuesday night because i collapsed. After comparing my blood tests from last time they found my liver has got worse since january even though i haven’t been drinking so i need an ultrasound tomorrow to check for cysts.
On top of that, I’ve finally been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which causes widespread pain constantly and extreme tiredness. Which explains why I’m constantly in pain and it hurts to walk sometimes.
After all this i’ve still worked four 8-hour shifts since the collapse bar-tending, which is a massive struggle sometimes with standing the entire time and with feeling ill still and I’ve volunteered to work at a charity shop on my days off.
So i’m pretty proud of myself and hope i get all fixed soon.
May 2013
3 posts
It’s weird for people who still have feelings to be around depressed people. They try to help you have feelings again so things can go back to normal, and it’s frustrating for them when that doesn’t happen. From their perspective, it seems like there has got to be some untapped source of happiness within you that you’ve simply lost track of, and if you could just see how beautiful things are…At first, I’d try to explain that it’s not really negativity or sadness anymore, it’s more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can’t feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you’re horribly bored and lonely, but since you’ve lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you’re stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is.
But people want to help. So they try harder to make you feel hopeful and positive about the situation. You explain it again, hoping they’ll try a less hope-centric approach, but re-explaining your total inability to experience joy inevitably sounds kind of negative; like maybe you WANT to be depressed. The positivity starts coming out in a spray — a giant, desperate happiness sprinkler pointed directly at your face. And it keeps going like that until you’re having this weird argument where you’re trying to convince the person that you are far too hopeless for hope just so they’ll give up on their optimism crusade and let you go back to feeling bored and lonely by yourself. And that’s the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn’t always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn’t even something — it’s nothing. And you can’t combat nothing. You can’t fill it up. You can’t cover it. It’s just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.
It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared.
The problem might not even have a solution. But you aren’t necessarily looking for solutions. You’re maybe just looking for someone to say “sorry about how dead your fish are” or “wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though.”
so my boyfriend has just paid for both of us, an all exclusive holiday for 2 weeks in the dominican republic for my 21st next year as a surprise. Omg im in shock, ahhh its going to be amazing. unlimited free alcohol and food and beach parties and scuba trips and kjhdkakds omg :D
April 2013
11 posts
And I never thought this life was possible
You’re the yellow bird that I’ve been waiting for
